There just seems an ever increasing list of jobs and an ever decreasing amount of time! I'm an early bird, so often I find myself caught up in a game of ticking stuff off the job list, before even breakfast and of course I manage to squeeze more and more, until I've done a days worth of work before I've even left for work in the morning.
I get caught out all the time, thinking 'if I complete tasks x,y & z, now, then I'll have more free time later', but of course I don't because I'm STILL cramming more jobs in. I'm a hard taskmaster, especially with myself.
All this came to a bit of a grinding halt earlier this year, when I started training for a half marathon......which isn't too bad by itself, but I was also training hard for a long distance charity cycle ride at the same time. I was a complete novice in taking part in any event like this, so threw myself into training hard, too hard!! Of course, like everything else in my life I spend lots of time putting in all the pysical effort required, I'd just recently taken ownership of an allotment too and was spending many back breaking hours digging over the plot.
I completed the cycle ride, with a time that I was pleased with and then set about squeezing more running into my timetable. That was when my body said enough!! I injured my leg whilst running and had to stop, I could barely walk! Several days later the doc diagnosed Medial Compartment Syndrome and after seeing the physio I was told that I probably wouldn't be able to run again.....that still hangs in the balance. Obviously I didn't compete in the half marathon and its taking a long time to heal.
So whats going on? Everyone around me kept telling me to slow down and look after myself but I didn't hear them, I was too busy pushing myself to my limits, until my body forced me to look at what I was doing. Too busy proving myself to myself, setting more and more tasks gave me no time to look at me and who I am and what I enjoy doing. I was stuck in a cycle in which I was berating myself continually, for not being good enough and it took me all that time and pain before I could see it.
So how have I managed to deal with this? Well my body took no chances, if I healed quickly, I might start charging forth again, so with the slow process of my leg healing, I have been forced to deal the way I look after myself. I've had to admit that I've been pushing myself too hard, with little or no reward and have set about changing this habit that formed around how I feel about myself. Its taking a lot of soul searching to get to the bottom of it all and I don't know that I'm still fully aware of how it all started. What I have to do now is change my ways and make room for some self love.
I now make sure I pace myself and try and balance out activities. Whats more important is enjoying what I'm doing and not turning it into a challenge. Also I've learned that I have to look after myself, nurture and treat myself and its not wrong to enjoy those things - its important!!
I'm still on this journey and may take a while to embed itself as a natural way to be, for me. I'm sure though that this is now the right path for me to be on and anyone else in a similar situation. Nurture yourself, love yourself!
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Lacking in inspiration, time to lie fallow, to allow creative juices to replenish. Beware of ignoring a gift opportunity through indifference or laziness. Feeling stuck in a rut,
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